The Bible Replaced In Gainesville, By The Gator Playbook
Well, I have quite enjoyed poking fun at the football team in Hogtown this week. I know they are quite poised for what should be a repeat National Title and a potential first perfect season ever. However, being a Gator hater, I also have high hopes things will go awry and since they are starting with such high expectations, there is no where for them to go, but down. And I pray one of my teams can be the one to deliver the dagger to the heart of Gator fans the world over.
So, I will recap and add a few extra nuggets before turning my full attention back to the week to week battles in College Football (I will try and conjure up some new material when my sacred Dawgs face the Drunken Horde of orange and blue in Jacksonville on Halloween).
Much has been said, made, revered, cherished and regurgitated about Tim Tebow over the past 3 years. Before I go further, let me say LOUDLY, I like Tim, the person. My issues have been strictly with the Gator fans, the media, and the unholy hype surrounding Tebow. I respect the fact Tim has probably had more tail thrown his way, more opportunities for money, more parties to attend than virtually anyone on earth. And he has never wavered in his commitment to God, his team, his family or himself. No photos of Tim with naked coeds. No pics of Tim pulling a Michael Phelps bong hit, no Tim being busted for sexual assault ala Mark Sanchez at USC, no Tim being arrested for a DUI at 4am. So, Tim a salute for you sir!
But, now we must take a look at the absurd hype and stories surrounding Tim Tebow. Other than Barrack Obama (maybe), no other person has been crowned the "Saviour" like Tim. Sports guys gushing about their lives being better for a 10-minute interview with him? Grown people crying once they meet him? OMG, PLEASE! So, with that in mind, it is time to continue the fun with Gator Nation.
As I said, in Gainesville, the Bible has been replaced with the UF playbook. Urban Meyer is Pope, Tebow is the second coming. So, the highlights:
1 Urban 3:7 "For those who run fastest from the cops, they will make fine Gator football players."
Boosters 4:9 "Give your oxen, your women, your jobs and your money to the fastest of those, especially if they can return punts and kickoffs too. Tell all of your greatness and show thy arse when boasting of your prowess."
Tebow 1:4-8 "And the 3 rich boosters traveled east, following the GPS to Nease High School. When they found the stadium, they were overjoyed. The boosters brought gifts of gold coins, future ...press clippings, and myrrh. Nobody knew why myrrh, but they thought it would help the receivers catch the mighty passes of the savior."
Spurrier 16:11-13 "For ye suffer fools of other schools gladly, since you as a Gator are obviously superior to all. Be sure to be smug, condescending, rude, and speak to all non-Gators as if they are unworthy of your spit. Act as if they only way you could possibly not win is a vast conspiracy of referees, the NCAA and those at the SEC main office."
TwoBits 3:9 "Be sure to have cheers for an alligator while playing theme music from a shark movie, and make certain the team colors have nothing in common with your mascot."
10 Commandments UF style
1) I am the Head Coach of your football team, who brought you out of the land of Zook.
2) Thou shalt have no other sports teams before the Gators
3) Thou shalt not take the Tebow or Urban name in vain
4) Remember the Swamp and keep it packed with drunken bums
5) Honor thy Head Coach and Quarterback
6) Thou shalt not let a recruit get away. If they require large sums of money, provide it in abundance. If they have a long criminal history, turn the other cheek and avert your eyes, for they are fast in the 40.
7) Thou shalt not commit adultery by sleeping with women from other campuses. You must only sleep with Gator Women, despite how unattractive they are.
8) Thou shalt show thy ass at all sporting events by shouting your superiority to all. You should be drunk with spirits, make obnoxious chomping gestures, and use colorful language.
9) Thou shalt always bear false witness to a referee, NCAA official or person who roots for another team. Winning games is all that matters, regardless of the cost or lack of sportsmanship.
10) Thou shalt not covet thy rivals National Championships and Good Sportsmanship. You are Gators, you can justify your poor sportsmanship by simply winning or whining.
So, I will recap and add a few extra nuggets before turning my full attention back to the week to week battles in College Football (I will try and conjure up some new material when my sacred Dawgs face the Drunken Horde of orange and blue in Jacksonville on Halloween).
Much has been said, made, revered, cherished and regurgitated about Tim Tebow over the past 3 years. Before I go further, let me say LOUDLY, I like Tim, the person. My issues have been strictly with the Gator fans, the media, and the unholy hype surrounding Tebow. I respect the fact Tim has probably had more tail thrown his way, more opportunities for money, more parties to attend than virtually anyone on earth. And he has never wavered in his commitment to God, his team, his family or himself. No photos of Tim with naked coeds. No pics of Tim pulling a Michael Phelps bong hit, no Tim being busted for sexual assault ala Mark Sanchez at USC, no Tim being arrested for a DUI at 4am. So, Tim a salute for you sir!
But, now we must take a look at the absurd hype and stories surrounding Tim Tebow. Other than Barrack Obama (maybe), no other person has been crowned the "Saviour" like Tim. Sports guys gushing about their lives being better for a 10-minute interview with him? Grown people crying once they meet him? OMG, PLEASE! So, with that in mind, it is time to continue the fun with Gator Nation.
As I said, in Gainesville, the Bible has been replaced with the UF playbook. Urban Meyer is Pope, Tebow is the second coming. So, the highlights:
1 Urban 3:7 "For those who run fastest from the cops, they will make fine Gator football players."
Boosters 4:9 "Give your oxen, your women, your jobs and your money to the fastest of those, especially if they can return punts and kickoffs too. Tell all of your greatness and show thy arse when boasting of your prowess."
Tebow 1:4-8 "And the 3 rich boosters traveled east, following the GPS to Nease High School. When they found the stadium, they were overjoyed. The boosters brought gifts of gold coins, future ...press clippings, and myrrh. Nobody knew why myrrh, but they thought it would help the receivers catch the mighty passes of the savior."
Spurrier 16:11-13 "For ye suffer fools of other schools gladly, since you as a Gator are obviously superior to all. Be sure to be smug, condescending, rude, and speak to all non-Gators as if they are unworthy of your spit. Act as if they only way you could possibly not win is a vast conspiracy of referees, the NCAA and those at the SEC main office."
TwoBits 3:9 "Be sure to have cheers for an alligator while playing theme music from a shark movie, and make certain the team colors have nothing in common with your mascot."
10 Commandments UF style
1) I am the Head Coach of your football team, who brought you out of the land of Zook.
2) Thou shalt have no other sports teams before the Gators
3) Thou shalt not take the Tebow or Urban name in vain
4) Remember the Swamp and keep it packed with drunken bums
5) Honor thy Head Coach and Quarterback
6) Thou shalt not let a recruit get away. If they require large sums of money, provide it in abundance. If they have a long criminal history, turn the other cheek and avert your eyes, for they are fast in the 40.
7) Thou shalt not commit adultery by sleeping with women from other campuses. You must only sleep with Gator Women, despite how unattractive they are.
8) Thou shalt show thy ass at all sporting events by shouting your superiority to all. You should be drunk with spirits, make obnoxious chomping gestures, and use colorful language.
9) Thou shalt always bear false witness to a referee, NCAA official or person who roots for another team. Winning games is all that matters, regardless of the cost or lack of sportsmanship.
10) Thou shalt not covet thy rivals National Championships and Good Sportsmanship. You are Gators, you can justify your poor sportsmanship by simply winning or whining.
Comments
Post a Comment