Government Announces New Afterlife Assistance Jobs Program
Today the Obama Administration, in conjunction with the Congress has announced the creation of the new U.S. Afterlife Status Service. This new government agency has been created to help all Americans, and the hordes of undocumented aliens presently living in the United States, with reaping the best possible benefits in the afterlife.
"For far too long, Americans and human beings the world over, have had to abide by archaic rules and laws of the many various religions to achieve a state of heavenly bliss once their time on earth expires," said President Barrack Obama. "This has created an unfair system. People born into faithful families have an unfair advantage over those who are not. People who concern themselves with selfish pursuits such as their salvation and accountability for their life choices are unfairly rewarded for such selfish behavior.“
“Far too many people tend to be excluded from the full benefits of the afterlife simply because they chose to worship a tree or a social cause rather than a divine entity with blessings to ensure a safe haven in the afterlife. These selfless souls who dedicate their lives to earthly pursuits and finding a government solution to every problem have long ignored this one glaring hole in the government wall. Now we have filled that void."
The Congressional Budget Office has released its findings upon the creation of the new department. With an annual budget just under $165 Billion, an additional 6,000 jobs will be created, thereby lowering the unemployment rate by 0.005%.
Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY) proved so excited over the passage of the legislation he promptly tweeted out photos to his female followers, clearly displaying his excitement. He disputed claims from Fox News that the photos in question were in fact Photoshopped in any way. "No my account has not been hacked in any way, I personally took and posted these photos for my female followers to see, and I take issue with anyone who is challenging my manhood."
Senate President Harry Reid championed the bipartisan support necessary to complete passage of the department. "For so long, I have sought to see everyone given a fair chance at the afterlife. Given the forthcoming needed changes in Social Security, Medicare and Obamacare, due to our runaway debt; we know far more people will be dying sooner rather than later, and this way we can ensure they get high quality government care in the next life as well. " Ironically, many of Reid's constituents will be exempted from the new program, as with most of them living in Vegas, a.k.a. Sin City, they might not be going to a happy afterlife.
President Obama went on to assure church going Americans there will be no government intrusion into churches themselves. He cited a recent Census study which showed most Americans believe more in government than God anyhow, and if the trend continues, the Census Bureau predicts by the year 2024, less than 10% of the population will need to be redirected from attending church on Sundays to standing in line at their local A.S.S. office.
Sorry folks, I just wanted to work in the Congressman to something this week. This work of 100% Satire seemed best suited. :-)
"For far too long, Americans and human beings the world over, have had to abide by archaic rules and laws of the many various religions to achieve a state of heavenly bliss once their time on earth expires," said President Barrack Obama. "This has created an unfair system. People born into faithful families have an unfair advantage over those who are not. People who concern themselves with selfish pursuits such as their salvation and accountability for their life choices are unfairly rewarded for such selfish behavior.“
“Far too many people tend to be excluded from the full benefits of the afterlife simply because they chose to worship a tree or a social cause rather than a divine entity with blessings to ensure a safe haven in the afterlife. These selfless souls who dedicate their lives to earthly pursuits and finding a government solution to every problem have long ignored this one glaring hole in the government wall. Now we have filled that void."
The Congressional Budget Office has released its findings upon the creation of the new department. With an annual budget just under $165 Billion, an additional 6,000 jobs will be created, thereby lowering the unemployment rate by 0.005%.
Congressman Anthony Weiner (D-NY) proved so excited over the passage of the legislation he promptly tweeted out photos to his female followers, clearly displaying his excitement. He disputed claims from Fox News that the photos in question were in fact Photoshopped in any way. "No my account has not been hacked in any way, I personally took and posted these photos for my female followers to see, and I take issue with anyone who is challenging my manhood."
Senate President Harry Reid championed the bipartisan support necessary to complete passage of the department. "For so long, I have sought to see everyone given a fair chance at the afterlife. Given the forthcoming needed changes in Social Security, Medicare and Obamacare, due to our runaway debt; we know far more people will be dying sooner rather than later, and this way we can ensure they get high quality government care in the next life as well. " Ironically, many of Reid's constituents will be exempted from the new program, as with most of them living in Vegas, a.k.a. Sin City, they might not be going to a happy afterlife.
President Obama went on to assure church going Americans there will be no government intrusion into churches themselves. He cited a recent Census study which showed most Americans believe more in government than God anyhow, and if the trend continues, the Census Bureau predicts by the year 2024, less than 10% of the population will need to be redirected from attending church on Sundays to standing in line at their local A.S.S. office.
Sorry folks, I just wanted to work in the Congressman to something this week. This work of 100% Satire seemed best suited. :-)
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